EVERYONE SAYS CALM on Back Page. Here's How To Play Safely On Friday 13th

EVERYONE SAYS CALM on Back Page. Here's How To Play Safely On Friday 13th ...

Okay, are you sitting down? Good. Don''t miss it on Friday the 13th of May, and you know what that means, right? No, it''s not Jason Vorhees'' birthday, but this one, for... reasons. And this one, especially bad, if you believe in superstition and astrology, because Mercury is also in retrograde, which means that it''s doing something that makes things worse. Just go with it!

I want to make sure that you, our dear readers, are safe, and that you can continue to read our articles safely. So whatever you do don''t leave the house. Don''t go anywhere. Just stay inside, and play video games, and make sure that you''re playing them as safely as possible.

I''ve created a short list of how to play some popular Switch games in the least dangerous manner possible...

On this page:

Seriously? On a day like today, you''re mad. But if I can''t stop you, I may best assist you. Think of all the ways that Ring Fit might slain you: you might accidentally strangle yourself with the ring while doing yoga; you may fall backwards while doing yoga and impale yourself on the armrest of the sofa; you may be so disgraced by Dragaux''s musculature that all blood passes to your cheeks, and you die because the

If you''re jogging or simply wiggling the Joy-Con, how do you avoid these terrible fates? Simple: Sit on the sofa and pretend to exercise, but don''t. It still counts, probably and we''ve all played Wii Sports and Wii Fit this way, don''t we? Ring can''t tell if you''re jogging or just wiggling the Joy-Con, but be sure to wiggle gently, so that you won''t smack yourself in the

Huha, cross-promotion! If you''re using Earthbound because I told you to, then I like you, but make sure to take precautions. Like it was in the 1990s, Earthbound was about a group of unsupervised children fleeing to villages and being beaten up by cops infected with a brain virus.

Monsters and brain-poisoned adults will make a beeline for you as soon as they see you, which makes it a little difficult to avoid them, and they all can all run much faster than you. However, beating them gives you money, which can be used to buy healing medicines and better equipment. What should you do?

Remember that it is a JRPG and do what all JRPGs want you to do: grind. Go back to one of the earlier areas and kill a bunch of dogs and spacemen (again, like the ''90s!) until you have fat stacks o''cash, make sure to call your dad to get the cash sent to you, and do that for the entire weekend on Friday 13th. In comparison,

What Minecraft''s deadliest things are lava, mobs, and fall damage all have in common? It''s right! They are outside of your house. It''s best to make your house as small and impenetrable as possible. Build yourself a nice dirt cube with enough space for you and any other friends you want to keep safe. Just stay there for whatever time you want to play Minecraft on Friday 13th!

If you build your miserable protection cube out of something explosion-proof like obsidian, then be aware that gathering obsidian is scary and dangerous, but this method only works if you already have some. Isn''t safety fun?

The Elite Four. Team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.] Literally anyone standing on a path. Tall grass. Wild animals. Your best friend/rival. Even the Pokemon Professors, who are apparently content to do all their research work.

Your mum. She''s probably never seen large grass in her life. She does not wait at home and sometimes call you (much like a real mum). Do not take her outside, she might die! Stay in the house!!!

Don''t forget to go into caves and go to bed early. Parsnips and cows can survive one day without you, and besides, livestock can be deadly. Harvey isn''t a good enough doctor to assist you.

Don''t expect fate with all the bells and whistles in Mario''s toolkit, you''ll have a wonderful, pleasant journey along a completely straight path. No enemies, no holes, no unpleasant surprises just Mario and his thoughts. Doesn''t it sound like this?

This one is quite different, because you''re the one causing everyone bad luck and misfortune, so how about this: Take the day off. Instead of being a chaotic nuisance and simply be a goose instead. Keep an eye on the trees. Honk if you must. But just leave everyone alone or you might end up as lunch.

If you''re playing in Master Mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT''S FRIDAY 13TH) there''s a good safe place for you: The very, very beginning of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (uh, sorry, spoilers) and eat baked apples forever. Perhaps he''ll become bored of waiting and just telling you everything you need to know without having to do all the (scary, dangerous) shrines.

Don''t.

Don''t be afraid to bite yourself on the keyboard, cheaters!